B. Lauren Investigations

Rachel Canning Update: New Jersey Teen Suing Parents Returns Home

Behavior

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End of story?  Happy Ending?  Maybe not….

If we were to listen to the media, and take the nationwide coverage of this family squabble gone viral at face value, then yes, this is simply a story about a spoiled teenager with considerable resources throwing a young adult version of a temper tantrum.

But, what if we rewrote the headlines like this:

“Teenage girl turns to the legal system in a desperate cry for help.” or

“Claims of abuse and abandonment surround teen vs. parent lawsuit”

Sounds quite different….doesn’t it?

I am in no way saying that Rachel is not suffering from “affluenza” or an exaggerated sense of entitlement.  What I am saying is that usually, when a child goes to such an extreme as to leave her home and sue her parents, there is probably more there than meets the eye.

Said another way, there are two sides to every story, and it takes a discerning and critical look to clearly see both.  It is my business to look below the surface, and find the meaning beneath the actions.  The truth is not always the sensationalized stuff that sells papers, but it is the only thing that really solves the problems and answers the questions.

Let’s look at the facts.  Rachel comes from an intact family and does very well in school.  Claims from school representatives, people who see Rachel every day, describe an abusive, controlling relationship.  Her parent’s state otherwise talking about a teenager “spun out of control” and refusing to “abide by household rules they considered liberal.”

Ok, so there has been conflict in the home.  This conflict could be normal, or it could represent a bigger problem. If we look deeper, we find a teen with a history of an eating disorder.  Many eating disorders have abuse, or at the very least, low self-esteem at their core.  Is that the case here?  It’s also probable that Rachel knows and understands the legal system, as her father is a retired Police Chief.  Is it possible that Rachel felt so trapped and alone; her teenage brain reasoned the only way to cope was through the legal system?

Remember that Rachel did not seek out media attention, and her attorney has not spoken to the press since she came home.  Her parent’s attorney on the other hand used the media to help bury any underlying root cause by saying, “ She’s home.  Respect it.  Let’s not figure out what the motivation was.”

Not figure out what the motivation was?  That’s the key to resolving whatever is the real issue!

So, maybe this child is a spoiled brat.  Maybe she did refuse to listen to her parent’s rules.  But, many teens are spoiled, entitled, and ignore rules as if they expect them to disappear like a Snap chat post.  It is a very troubled teen that goes to the extreme that Rachel did.  Why did she do that?  Why is she continuing to seek out guardianship instead of just returning home?

I hope these questions are sought out and answered by those helping Rachel now, and she is ultimately able to resolve her differences with her parents and whatever other personal challenges she is facing.

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The world is a big place and there are billions of people in it.  Everyone comes from different circumstances and some do not know where, or who, their parents, children, or siblings are.  Because it’s National Adoption Day today I wanted to share some information about finding people who may be missing from your life.  Not the mechanics of how to find them, but the real questions that not all “seekers” consider, like should you find them and if you do find them, what will the consequences be?  And most of all, will they want to be found?

In my professional experience, I have worked with different types of “seekers.”   Some are searching out of curiosity.  Some are trying to trace their genetic history.  Some are looking for closure.  And some are searching for what they believe is their true identity.  I’ve worked with adoptees looking for their biological parents. And I’ve worked with parent’s trying to find their children.  There are a lot of reasons why people seek.  But one thing remains constant.

The unknown.

For some, the not knowing can be the most debilitating factor to someone’s self-construction.

Their self-worth.

Others may seek to fill a void in their life or to make peace with decisions that have caused unresolved guilt.

Whatever the reason one may be searching, some questions remain the same.

What could have been?  What should have been?  Who would I be?

But what many seekers don’t consider is that after their search is done, what they find doesn’t only affect them.  And expectations, whether good or bad, are not always met.

Susan Collins, who was adopted as a child, had always known she was adopted.  As she became a teenager, graduated high school and moved out of state, she thought about searching for her biological parents, but never pursued it.  It wasn’t until one day when a friend of hers revealed she too, was adopted and was in the process of obtaining her adoption records, that Susan became more curious about her biological parents.  Susan’s friend passed on the information for whom to contact for more information on her birth and adoption records.

And Susan set out on a journey of a lifetime.

Susan, like many “seekers” explained that part of her initial hesitation to search for her biological parents stemmed from the realization that if she found them, there was a chance that they wouldn’t want to meet her.  And that rejection would be more devastating than if she had never found them in the first place.

No harm, no foul.  Safe.

She never realized how deeply rooted the fear of rejection was until she was faced with it.  But she overcame that fear with the understanding that the results of her search could ultimately affect so many others.  According to Susan, there were many more people to consider in the equation besides herself.

Her search and her findings would reach out into not only the lives of her biological parents, but potential step-siblings and extended family members.   She also considered how her adoptive parents would feel about her finding her biological parents.

But armed with the support from her family and friends, Susan knew that she was ready to know where she came from.

Her truth.

Once the decision to move forward with finding her biological parents was made, she knew she would have to tackle her own expectations.  Would they be met?  Exceeded?

Susan anticipated her biological mother would be found first and, because of details in her birth file, she expected her mother to fully embrace her.  She also expected that her biological father would be much more difficult to find and believed that he would not want to meet her.

Susan found her father first.  Initially, he was hesitant, but assisted Susan in her search for her biological mother.  And much to her surprise, he not only eventually met Susan, but fully embraced her.

For her 26th birthday, Susan’s greatest gift was having all of her parents wishing her a happy birthday and she continues to have relationships with both biological parents and their families.

Susan’s search resulted in a positive outcome.  But not all reunions are rosy.  Does someone’s “yearning” to find the truth trump a birth parent’s, or child’s, right to privacy?

Recently, I assisted a father in locating his adult daughter.

We’ll refer to him as “T”.

And “T” has not seen his daughter since she was six months old.  Not as a result of adoption, but divorce.  After over 25 years, “T” felt an overwhelming desire to initiate contact with his daughter.

Expecting that his daughter was “missing” him all these years, he sought to locate her.

I was able to quickly locate “T’s” daughter.  But that initial phone call was anything but heartwarming.

In my role as the “connector”, I have an opportunity to revel in the positive experience of reuniting those who have lost touch or are meeting for the very first time.  But I also have a responsibility to protect the privacy of those being found.  So, I will never provide the “seeker” with contact information, or any identifying details of the individual they are looking for.  No matter how compelling their story.

Never.  Ever.

Rather, I become a facilitator – attempting to orchestrate a reunion.

And this is why.

“T’s” daughter was startled to learn that he was looking for her, and she made no bones about not wanting to be reunited.  She stated that at the age of two, her mother’s husband had adopted her.  And though she knew of a biological father, her adoptive father was the only father she has ever cared to know.

To her, parenting was more than just biology.

She referred to her biological father, “T”, as a “stranger” and asked that I relay only one message to him.

“Tell him I have absolutely no interest in meeting him.  Ever.”

“T” was disappointed with the message.  Unwilling to accept the truth, he vowed to establish a relationship at a future time, hopeful that she will reconsider .

Sometimes reunions are disappointing, as was this one – because of an expectation and a preconceived notion that there will be instant bonding because of blood-ties.

Those who are seeking never know how their journey will end.  And it is important to accept the fact that although whatever is uncovered may be true, that truth may not always set you free.

While many reunions are successful, it is important to be prepared and consider all the possible outcomes (not just the fairy tale ones) before you embark on your search for the truth.

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Since pants don’t EVER catch on fire, and noses won’t actually grow, it can be extremely frustrating when trying to determine whether or not someone is pulling the wool over your eyes.

We’ve all experienced the various degrees of lying.

White lies, broken promises, fabrications, and my personal favorite, lying by omission, where an actual lie isn’t really spoken, but certain pertinent details are conveniently not mentioned.

On purpose.

Yes people!  That is STILL a lie!

There is no such thing as a “good lie.”  But sometimes, lies are told to protect someone’s feelings.  I get that.  Like when your friend or partner asks the proverbial question.

“Does this make me look fat?”

Oy.

Again, we enthusiastically say “No!  Not at all!” Even when we know it’s not the most flattering ensemble.

I’m not talking about those lies here.  I’m talking about bold-faced, compulsive lies.  Lies so bad, or so good, that your heart tends to deny what is really happening.

But your head knows.  You think.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know for sure if someone is lying to you?

So, before you grab that chainsaw and go all Leatherface on someone, I’m going to share a bit of insight on some of the sure-fire signs that you are being lied to.

Because I am nice like that.

But really because I abhor liars and my job is to expose them. So the more liars we can bust together, the better the world will be.

I deal with liars on the daily.  Understandably, I witness the subjects of my investigations lie time and time again and expose them through investigative means such as surveillance, both physical and technical.  But, I’ve also been lied to by my clients, most often because they fear being judged.

People lie to protect themselves.

Now I don’t have a magic wand or some secret method that enables me to know when someone is lying.  I rely on my gut instincts, the likelihood of the story being told and past experiences with the person to determine if they are trustworthy or not.  It takes practice.

So without further ado, here are some easy to identify signs that you are dealing with a liar.

1)            Evasiveness and stalling.  If your liar is using this technique, it would go something like this:

You ask:  “Did you leave the party with so and so?”

Your liar answers:  “Did I leave with so and so..?”

This isn’t a game of Jeopardy.  No need to restate the question.  Just answer it.

Did. You. Leave. With. So and So?

The answer requires a simple “Yes” or “No.”

If you’re getting any other response, then you have your answer.  It’s a lie and no further questioning is necessary.

It really can be that simple.  But what if your liar doesn’t prefer that technique?

Well there’s more.

2)            Being defensive about the situation or the questions you are asking is a sure sign that your liar is up to no good.   If you ask a question and they act in a way that is self-protective, or become aggressive, it’s most likely a distraction or a scare tactic to cover up the fact that they are lying.

I know.  You are thinking, “But I accused them?  Shouldn’t they be upset that they are being accused if they are really innocent?”

Uh. No.

See.  You are blaming yourself already.  Their evil plan is working.

You didn’t accuse them.  You simply asked a question, that requires an answer.  Again, if they are evasive and don’t want to answer, or they start shouting and claiming that you are blaming them.  They are lying.

A normal, innocent person should question the reasons why they are being blamed.  So beware the person who goes on the defensive.

3)            Telling you that you are crazy is one of the BIGGEST red flags that suggest that someone is lying to you.

Like, literally standing there.  Waving a red flag and yelling “I’m a liar!”

It goes back to that old red herring.  If they put you on the defensive or make you feel stupid or crazy for even questioning their actions, plans or motives, then you are less likely to question further.  Now they got you all worked up.

This is the most devastating type of lying.  It makes you doubt yourself and feeds into your natural instinct to want to deny that there is any lying or wrongdoing going on.

And that’s exactly what they want.

So, in this example, you are probably feeling doubtful that what your instincts were telling you is true.  But you need to ask yourself.

“What did I do in this situation to cause this to happen?”

And most likely, your answer will most always be nothing.

So now you see, a liar will often try to turn their lies around on you to continue to cheat and deceive at your expense.  But you DO know the truth.   And being aware of these and a few other techniques used by most liars can encourage you to trust your instincts and be confident to take the next step.

If you have an encountered a situation with a liar and are currently wrestling with your feelings, or if you think you have the biggest liar of them all on your hands and need some help weeding through the BS.

Put down the chainsaw and let’s chat!

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Did you know its Sadie Hawkins Day today?  In high schools and institutions across the country there are celebrations and dances planned around this semi-famous woman who dared to do the unthinkable – she pursued a guy!  It is intriguing to me that this woman’s deed is still celebrated today, as modern society tells us that anything goes.  This is nothing novel.  You can do or be anything you want to be, right?  But my question is – should you?  Should a woman initiate a relationship?

A large part of my investigative work deals in relationships and what the truth is between partners, lovers and spouses.  And I have to say that in my professional opinion the common denominator in any relationship that goes bad is the balance of power in that relationship.  Who has the power, how do they use that power and does it work for the two parties involved.  So I decided to take a quick look into Sadie Hawkins and who she was and why she decided to ask out a guy and what the result was.  Well, needless to say I’m surprised to learn that Sadie Hawkins was not even a real woman!

Did you know she was a character in a comic strip created by Al Capp called Li’l Abner?  Sadie was the daughter of one of the main characters and she was known as the “homeliest gal in all the hills”.  How nice.  When she reached the age of 35 (and still a spinster) her wealthy father called together all the unmarried men in their town, and declared it “Sadie Hawkins Day”.  On this day, there was a footrace in the town with Sadie in hot pursuit of the unmarried men who came to race.  The grand prize? Marriage to Sadie!   I don’t know about you, but a marriage to the homeliest woman in town would not get me to throw on my running shoes.  Regardless, this concept was hardly flattering to poor Sadie.

After the strip hit the papers, throngs of women, specifically on college campuses, felt “empowered” enough to chase down men.  Literally grabbing at their waist bands as the men clamored to get away.  Call me old fashioned, but this does not thrill me or strike me as any type of feminist movement, nor do I think it is empowering to women.  But none the less, society has taken the story of Sadie Hawkins and replayed it as a gender role reversal giving “the power” to the girl to take the initiative in a love relationship.  So, as I sit here writing this article I begin to think about the modern world and how women believe that by asking out a man they are taking control and being empowered.

So, my question to you – who really has the power?  Is it the chick asking for the date, or the dude who is obliging or rejecting her?  If a woman is going to take on the role of the man, women need to think like men to understand this concept.  Men are hunters.  It’s biological.  And I don’t care what you say, they like chasing women.  It’s what they do.  It’s like their job.  The thrill of the chase keeps them going.  I know, all you women empowerment people are getting pissed, but let me finish.  This isn’t just about girls asking guys out.

Societal norms and gender roles have been established.  They are there for a reason.  When we start playing around with gender roles, we end up with women who do everything from working a 9-5, while still maintaining the home, and still caring for and  managing the children and their activities.  But men you see, they work a 9-5.  Wait.  That’s it?  Ok they may put some dishes in the dishwasher, but ultimately they are biologically unequipped to pay attention to all the things that need to be done to take care of a household and children.  Now, I am in no way saying that women should not work and men don’t care about their kids.  Women should work if that is what is fulfilling to them.  But please, do not have any expectation that men could ever really appreciate what we do as women.  I know they say it and that’s nice and all, and makes us feel all validated, blah, blah, blah.  This is where the stuff falls apart in relationships.  Whose job is it anyway anymore?  WE, as women, have expectations of what men should do based on our new roles as creatures that are beyond being barefoot and pregnant. We do it all.  But men didn’t ask for a new role, did they.  We did.  They still haven’t gotten the memo.  And for most, their work is only in the office.  Have we as women really moved forward in our quest for equality and power or have we just overburdened ourselves?

So back to my question about “power” and all that empowerment stuff.  YOU have the power to do whatever you want.  The issue, I believe, lies with these expectations we have.  If a girl asks a guy out, she has an expectation that she will be in control.  An expectation that the guy will see her as being “in control.”   Not so.  In fact, it’s doing just the reverse.  To the ladies who think it’s okay to ask men out:  thanks for making it so easy once again for the guy.  No hunting, no chasing, no guessing.  NO WORK!  And in all likelihood he’s thinking either (a) she’s hot, maybe she’ll sleep with me, or (b) she’s aggressive, maybe she’ll sleep with me, or (c) she’s not that hot, but maybe she’ll sleep with me.  Really, he’s probably just not thinking.

Women!  Must we take everything away from men for the sake of “empowerment” and this so called “feminist movement”?    Please.  Let them have the thrill the chase.  Let them woo us.  Let them hear a “no” or a resounding “yes” from us when they have to work up that nerve to ask us out.  Now that sounds like being in control to me.  I know.  Some women don’t want to sit around waiting for Mr. Right, so they take matters into their own hands and initiate a relationship.  Stop!  Stop believing that Sadie Hawkins is our role model as empowering for women, just like Popeye’s spinach isn’t really going to make men strong.

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Valentine’s Day is approaching quickly and although it’s a holiday to profess your love and appreciation for your partner, but for those who suspect an unfaithful partner it can be anxiety ridden.

In my experience as a private investigator, cheating spouses rarely meet with their paramour on any significant holiday, including Valentine’s Day, but will find the time in the days or even weeks prior to or after the holiday to satisfy their obligation.  There are many excuses someone can conjure to cover up their behavior – knowing what behaviors and nuances to watch for can help you catch a cheater in the act!

In every instance, there are certain “red flag” behaviors that can be a tip off for cheaters. These behaviors can differ slightly amongst men and women, but are typically out of character for said person. For women, one reoccurring behavior to look for that could indicate an affair is making the excuse that they are going shopping and are gone for long periods of time but never return with any purchases. For men, a typical tell tale sign of an affair is if they are making long phone calls or texting excessively at off times to one specific number.  Additional manners to watch out for are if your partner seems to be distant or distracted and if they exhibit an annoyed, agitated or angry response to simple questions about their whereabouts or activities.

Having the knowledge to find out if your spouse is cheating is crucial.  Some basic initial investigation activities you can do on your own are:

  • Conducting online social media searches to track activity and location
  • Red flag activity and behavior that prompts your suspicion
  • Documenting incidences that build a case

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